The Enlightment
I see it happening
with my very own eyes
I can see it transforming
and it isn't particularly nice
Sweat coming down and body becomes wet
being thrilled by it's every change
Transforming in it's self-made net
Staring at it while being out of range.
How do we escape our destiny
How do we take control
Where is the lock and where is the key
How can we save it's soul
After the transformation
the amazement was there
The beast I once saw,
was no longer there.
It was simply making it's way out
to show what it can become
beauty that shines without a doubt
and worries reduced to none.
Chichi: | Vrijdag, mei 20, 2005 22:21 |
Well you have to find your own way. And remember that rhyme isn't really necessary! Rhyhthm is though, I think. Think about varying lengths of senteces our words evenly. If you wrote something you feel it's not finished yet, let it rest for a while. Sometimes it just takes some time. If you write a lot of english poetry, take a look here: http://www.thehideaway.org Might be interesting for you, it's an art community. You'll have to register though. |
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Kiw0x: | Vrijdag, mei 20, 2005 12:00 |
Thank you very much. I am quite new to the poetry world, so I am longing for advice such as that. I actually have no idea how to set up a poem since I didn't do any research on it just yet. So all the poems I posted today are a bit... chaotic to say the least (like my feelings.) | |
Chichi: | Vrijdag, mei 20, 2005 11:30 |
I like the poem overall but it seems to me that "particularly" in the first stanza doesn't belong there. It kinda breaks up the rhythm. Maybe find another word for it? Also the rhyme seems a little bit forced there. I think the 4th stanza is a little bit weak too. But I like it and nothing is perfect at once, I believe. Keep up the good work! |
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Auteur: ABRACADABRA | ||
Gecontroleerd door: fox_bert | ||
Gepubliceerd op: 20 mei 2005 | ||
Thema's: |