Is this real?
This love, this life we share?
When we go to bed together, and you sleep by my side. I can hear you crying every now and then, when I pretend to be asleep. Sometimes I wish I could cry with you, but I can't. My sadness is to great and tears don't ease it anymore. Every night when I lay my body to rest, my heart feels like it will stop. I'm so afraid, every night again.. I fear death, every night again. It feels like my heart is weakening, as it sometimes stops and then suddenly I awake with my heart beats a million times at once, I wake up and feel like I have slept for days. Is this normal? Should I worry? Do I need to see the docter? I don't know..
And why are you crying my love? You know I'm not angry. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I'm so afraid, I think we are seperating from eachother day by day, night by night. Where will you go when we leave eachother? Where will you be and what will become of us? Times will change and there is nothing which will stop this terrible thing called faith...
I'm so confused.. Why am I feeling like this? Am I not a man? Am I a woman inside? Everything leads to it, my past and my present. I remember that I was a little boy, secretly sneaking into my mothers room and try out her beautifull dresses. They seemed to look so good on me. I did not understand it all at that moment, but I do now. I hate this terrible body, that disgusting thing between my legs. I hate to look at myself and think.. In a few years, I will be like the hairy monster from the fairytales.. I'm disgusted by myself, by my dirty thaught when I'm alone. It's so exciting to think of those things.. But after I'm done I just want to cut off that monstereous thing.
All these scars I carry, remind me of the times without anyone.. but am I not alone now? Are you not here with me? Perhaps this is just an illusion of my sick mind, only because I don't want to be alone.. But I must not forget, there has never been anyone who I felt close with.. There was never a time when I felt like I could compare myself with one another. I have always been alone and trying to feel together. Friends and relatives, they're nothing but creatures in my mind, trying to satisfy my loneliness.
These words meant nothing, there is no comfort anymore. I used to feel happy, just a little and just for a while, when I wrote my feelings down. But these days, it seems to make no difference at all. There is nothing which brings me any satisfaction anymore.. There is only this cloak of disgust I wear, these scars I carry, this pain I feel..
And no one is there, because I don't care..