This pretending
I didn’t know it would be so difficult
Thought I could, seemed so easy
But this is the result
I’m only making it harder for myself
To someday be freed of it all
If I push them away right now
The harder I will fall
For now that is exactly what I wish
To succeed, to regain my goal, and fast
Without anyone interfering
And I hope it will last
Can’t do that if I keep them close
They will start to notice I’m not trying
It will disappoint them, so I won’t tell
And I will pretend I’m doing, when inside I’m dying
But I’m doing it to myself
Can’t stand my hideous body
So why involve them, it’s my life
I don’t want help anymore, from nobody
‘Cause for some time I did, and tried to get well
I felt so bad, I wanted to die
You told me to ignore that feeling, that you were proud of me
But I wonder why
Proud of me being this weak and fat?
Gaining weight, and eating again?
What is there to be proud of?
I felt so much better where I was back then!
Just the feeling of hunger
It makes me feel so strong
Want to feel that good once more
And knowing that I can be this person I want to become
This fat person, I’m leaving behind
Will find new ways to lose this weight faster
And you won’t know, you’ll think I’m getting better
When inside, once again, I will be master
Control myself, won’t eat anymore
Exercise, and drink good tea
Within a few days I know
The result I want, I’ll start to see
Not nearly enough
But a start, just need that little motivation
Then I’ll keep going
I’ll have a lot of inspiration
I know I can make it this time
Without people worrying about me
Because they think I’m doing well
The real truth, they won’t see
Because of my mask
I’ll finally have a little space and freedom
Hiding it from everybody, it will work this time
This perfect person, I will become